Worst joke in the world ever...............maybe ?

What did one candle say to the other candle?














Are you going out tonight?

 

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment
on the counter "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress."
she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

'No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

 

Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it ?

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
"Well,oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me
roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave
got C&A on them'

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with >hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Greyhound to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's
either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small >two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night

Some old ones but still funnay all the same, Tommy Cooper jokes I believe

 

your moma so fat she uses the driveway to iron her knickers,

a man gets run over every 5 minutes in london.....
and to be honest he's had enough!

 

whats pink, wrinkly and hangs out my Grandads trousers?



My granny doing the laundry

 

cant remeber if i added this or not but hey,

Why are pirates called pirates?

cause they Arrrrrrghhh!

 

how do you get 150 pikachus on a bus





you pok'em on!

 

Winner tbh

 

yeh i looked throught all of them, and thought i had a sadder one

 

at the pikey one...

 

What goes "clippety clop,clippety clop,clippety clop bang bang clippety clop, clippety clop clippety clop?



















An Amish drive by shooting

 

Ive just read all 7 pages, and that is definately by far the worst!!!

 

a family of chimneys where on a roof the farther said



son your too young too smoke


what do you call a blind dinosaur


do-you-think-e-saurus


what do you call a gay dinosaur


mega-saw-ass

 

what's the difference between light and hard?

you can go to sleep with a light on.

 

what's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?








you can always just unscrew the lightbulb.

 

"Daddy, Daddy, why am I getting so many presents when it's not my birthday?"

"Son, you've got leukemia."

 

TSC thats just wrong. But i like it.

 

Its nearly krimbo so lets get this going again.

Did you hear of the dislexic alcoholic?

Choked on his own vimto

 

What did Spock find down the toilet?


The Captain's log